I am overwhelmed with gratitude for my amazing family and friends! Thank you for making my 25th year so amazing, and by 26th Birthday weekend wonderful!
Goodness, I have so much to update you all on.. and perhaps it’s partially because it’s my birthday and people get particularly reflective on birthdays and holidays, please forgive any particular cheesiness & wordiness in this post 
Since the last time I talked to you:
“Your heart is free, have the courage to follow it”
Sometimes things just come together. I believe you can learn from any experience, no matter how big or how small, and from all people, no matter how kind or how .. douchey (:p.. and I was sounding so poetic for a second there). I believe that if you do your best to pay attention to these lessons and signs, that it will lead you in the right direction, or at least make you aware of goings-on and leave you open to experiences that you otherwise would have missed.
Lately I feel like a ton of different things have come together to allow me to see things in a different way, and move in a direction that in the past I may have passed by or paid no attention to.
And the truth is..
I’m not usually so.. wishy-washy.
I’ve been trying to either lose or gain (then re-lose) weight for the last 19 months. At no point during this time was I particularly under-weight or over-weight. First I decided I wanted to fulfill one of my bucket-list items, to compete in a fitness competition. It seemed like a great way to get in shape and stick to it, for my goal-oriented self. It went fantastically 
From April – September I trained, slowly lost weight and gained muscle. In September I started the “competition diet” and really lost weight. The whole process taught me to appreciate food as a form of nourishment and that I feel great as long as I’m working out, regardless of the number on the scale. After the competition, I was all pumped about the idea of competing nationally, which meant putting on a lot of muscle. So I tried to gain. I’d never tried that before, and turns out (big shout out to the combination of my parents genes) I’m a pretty darn easy gainer. I joke that I look at carbs, lift a heavy weight and gain muscle. But it seems that’s sort of what happened. This spring I was working out a lot, and eating a lot and I got bigger, a lot bigger. But over all of that my body fat % really didn’t go crazy. Then I decided to compete again, which meant it was time to diet-down to lose weight for the stage.
That would be where things haven’t really gone as planned. If my body could speak I think it would say something like “hell no!”.. actually, strike that, it would probably more of a “fuck you!” haha Over the last 6 weeks my body fat % and measurements go down each week, but my weight has hardly budged. I spend 75% of the time really hungry, and at least every couple days I have spells of feeling dizzy, light-headed and just “fuzzy-brained” (not sure how else to describe it, just got really focus or think quickly). My calories are more than adequate, and my carbs are higher than they were last time I dieted-down. So as far as the “health” side of it, I should be fine.
The Alyson of yesteryear, would have been freaking out, stressing, wondering where I could cut more calories to meet my goal, ignoring and physical reactions and feeling depressed and beaten..
The Alyson of sound mind & body, thinks.. there’s probably a reason, or lots of reasons for this. The big one being that my body’s just doesn’t want to do it.. and my subconscious mind is backing my body whole-heatedly. I’ve been under 15% bf for a year, and under 10% for a quarter of that. I have a naturally muscular build, and apparently those muscle get pissed-off when I don’t give them enough food. What “enough” is I have no idea, because it can’t be determined by an equation. It’s constantly changing; that can be frustrating, but also incredibly interesting. I’m looking forward to just being.. staying at my happy place, right wear I am with weight, fitness and nutrition/food philosophy (minimal fake stuff, indulge in moderation, clean 95% of the time).
(apologies for talking in the 3rd person.. it just popped out that way on paper 
)
Or level-headed.
Perhaps there aren’t always reasons for things, but I’m pretty sure there’s a reason for this. The decision, in the end, came easily. I don’t feel like a quitter because I have no doubt in my mind that I could get on stage in a couple weeks, or in 6 weeks, looking just fine. And I know I’d have fun. I struggle a little bit with the thought that I’ve let people down. But I hope I haven’t. I’ll continue to workout as hard as I ever did, and eat healthier than I did before (all the additives I consume when I diet makes me cringe). And I know I’m a better person to be around; I’m energetic and can carry on a relatively intelligent conversation (unlike when I’m feeling all “fuzzy-brained” and am quite dull I assume).
Truth is, competing in a Fitness competition was a goal I’d had for a long time. I did it. It was life changing like I never could have imagined. There is an excellent chance I’ll compete again. But for now I’m happy to not be actively trying to lose or gain, but instead just be fit & lean while eating healthy & balanced.
It’s What You Do, Not Who You Are
This was a line from the movie, “Eat, Pray, Love.” I’d picked the book up at the bookstore twenty times, but never bought it for whatever reason. Well I really should have jumped on the bandwagon earlier, because I love the movie. There was so much I could related to, and many lines and scenes really struck home. I guess I can read the book now, knowing I’l like it.. but another digression..
Back in the day, I let gymnastics define who I was, and when I was done with the sport, I was completely lost for a while. That isn’t the case this time around. Fitness is something I do that’s played a significant role in shaping how I’ve grown in the last year, but it’s not who I am.
NUTRITION & FUN
So what did I eat, you wonder, after I decided to let things be and stick with my happy place..
I took myself on a date!
This is either incredibly pathetic, or completely fantastic… I’m voting completely fantastic 
.. I went to see “Eat, Pray, Live” then treated myself to indulgent Mexican Food.
But I wasn’t the ideal food blogger..
After the movie, I texted friends who live in the area to see if they cared to join, but it was rather last minute, and the independent chica that I am though, no worries.. of all places to meet people it’s at a restaurant bar at happy hour on a Friday!
So I went to a restaurant I’d never been to before that called itself ‘Gourmet Mexican’ and it was the perfect choice. I sat at the bar, ordered a margarita and perused the menu. Naturally I ended up striking up conversation with the folks around me, and was completely entertained.
It took me a while to decide what to get, everything sounded amazing (I’ll definitely be going back), but I settled on the Fiesta Grill Fajitas. When I ordered the bartender laughed and said “that’s a lot of food, just warning you..” I assured him he was underestimating me.. well, he ended up being right and I took home 2/3 of it, but nonetheless. It was so good!
iPhone pics..
It had: Shrimp, Chicken, Steak, Costillas, Quail and Carnitas, along with the usual Refried Beans, Rice, Sour Cream and Guacamole
I also decided Chocolate of some sort was in order. So I made these decadent & indulgent Triple Layer Brownies. You know I have a ridiculous sweet tooth, but these are so rich you really can only eat a little slice, and you are totally satisfied.
I used a TJ’s Fat-Free Brownie Mix, Fat-Free Cool Whip and Sugar-Free Pudding, but kept with real Chocolate (makes all the difference) and Peanut Butter.
And with that..
Re-cap of the Birthday weekend celebration tomorrow. Here’s a preview..
And also, a HUGE THANKS to the beautiful & inspiring Eden who send me this lovely B-day package..
I haven’t been able to find Peanut Flour at my local TJ’s so this couldn’t have been more perfect!
Pheww, I’m spending the rest of my birthday relaxing on the couch with a movie. At first I wasn’t particularly stoked about now being closer to 30 than 20, but as my mother often says, “there’s only one alternative to getting older..” and I prefer the 2nd option 25 was amazing, and 26 will be even better!
And it’s all thanks to you, my beautiful family and friends (in person & virtual)!! Thank you with all my heart!
Fun Links
Alyson reading your post has made so much sense to me… I was dieting and losing weight and trying to gain muscle also for 1 1/2 years. It is very tiring. I have to say it took a lot out of me and I am still adjusting to being Denise again. I recently decided that what I really love is being athletic so I signed up for a sprint triathalon. Its been great because I still have a goal with a timeline, but I don't have to follow the crazy diet and can just eat healthy and be real and not freak out.
I love that you had mexican food…. so GREAT. Have a wonderful week and keep me posted. YOU ROCK.
Twitter: NourishedFit
says:
Thanks Denise! It's easy to get so wrapped up in the competitive fitness world and forget about all the other fun options out there.. for me at least. I'm looking forward to trying a few new things.. though I'm not sure any sort of race is in my (pathetic cardio) future. But good luck to you! And I'm hoping to make it to the Bay Area this fall, and I would love to get together!
What an amazing post. So congrats to you on making your decision and sticking to it- not doubting yourself. I've had to go through a whole lot of self-discovery and self-awareness the past year, and when I finally shook off what I thought I should be doing- because of what everyone ELSE was doing or told me I should be doing- I had the best feeling in the world. Your instinct is usually spot on. Stick to it girl!!
I also literally just saw that Peanut Flour at Trader Joe's this evening- have you used it before? I have to check out how to work with it.
Twitter: NourishedFit
says:
I haven't tried Peanut Flour before but have seen a couple fun things on other blogs that I'm excited to try.
i can compltely understand that feeling because i did the exact same thing. yes, i could compete fairly soon and look good, but the desire just isn't there right now and i'm having more fun training and dieting for ME, not for a competition.
glad you made the decision that felt right for you
aww im so glad you liked it! Happy Birthday!!!!
If anyone understands this post it's me. I've been in your shoes twice. I always feel like a quitter too but when your body doesn't want to do it there's nothing you can do. I don't change my "diet" much "off season" (I hate that term) but I balloon up anyway. I'm going to make some changes after my show in November and see if I can keep the fluff off.
I'm glad you enjoyed your birthday!!!!
Twitter: NourishedFit
says:
Thanks April! I figure there will always been more shows I can do.. no need to rush it. But I'm excited to follow and cheer you on!
As we grow older we get wiser and that a GOOD THING!! We get more comfortable with where we are and who we are. Thank GOODNESS!!
I think you mexican date sounds fantastic as well. Happy Late birthday friend.
Good timing w/ the peanut flour!! I am excited to see what you make with it. I love mine!!
Ditto on being a solo gal–and you know what? I do not mind it one bit! I would have handled it just like you did.
Happy Birthday again! Can't wait to see what that yummy dessert is in your 'preview' pic!
Oh and I am 30 in less than 4 months…not worried one bit! It's only a number
Hi Alyson. I MUST thank you for this post. Your timing couldn't have been better, and your words couldn't have been more honest. Lately I've been struggling with the decision of whether or not to compete again in October, and I finally decided that the timing just wasn't right. But I was feeling such angst and disappointment with myself for my decision. And guilt! But your post really helped me to put things into perspective and let go of all of those feelings. Like you and others have said, sure, I could diet down and cardio like crazy the next 8 weeks to get ready for a show. But do I really want to? Does that feel right? The answer for me is no. I've been out of work for a while and I think I decided to put all of my efforts into training for a competition because I needed something else to focus on besides unemployment and how scared I was about the future. But recently I was blessed to get 2 jobs that I'll be starting in the coming weeks, so the next couple of months will be a huge transition for me with working again and a new schedule/routine. Do I really want to throw daily two-a-days and a contest diet into that mix? Again, the answer is no!
Competitions are great and an awesome goal, but they're not why I lead the lifestyle that I do. I workout and eat clean because I genuinely love it, it keeps me mentally balanced, and it keeps me lean and fit. And your post reminded me of that. So again, thank you! And glad you had a wonderful birthday celebration!!! That brownie looks RIDONCULOUS! (drool)
Twitter: NourishedFit
says:
Thanks Monica and congratulations on the jobs! Competitions are so stressful, mentally & physically, and so much as to be put by the wayside to really focus and do it "right," that you really have to be in a very particular place in your life to manage it without going borderline crazy.. I think at least. And the thing is, there will always be more competitions. It is refreshing just to do it for myself and not feel any obligation, it's more fun that way sometimes
So glad you had a great birthday girl – you totally deserve it. I really enjoyed reading this post today. Love that you really and truly listen to your body. I think that's so important. Take care!
Twitter: NourishedFit
says:
Thanks Heather! I have a bunch of your recipes bookmarked to try now that my diet can be more varied
First of all, Happy Belated Birthday! I am so glad you had such a wonderful birthday weekend
Next, I would like to thank you for this post. I have been struggling mentally, emotionally, and physically lately and to see that you are in such a sound spot with your life is inspiring. I hope one day to be able to come to terms with making decisions that are best for me and not for others and yes you may hurt people along the way but i think thats part of life sometimes. So thank you again for this post. I imagine that if I lived near you we would be best friends 
hehe And lastly I want to say you are an inspiration to me, keep up the amazing work you do!
Twitter: NourishedFit
says:
Thank you so much Kim! I feel so fortunate to have found this wonderful blogging community. I feel like I could go anywhere in the country, and even around the world and have friends I've met through here. I've been through a lot of ups & downs (and around & arounds) with the mental-physical-emotional balance myself, and if there is anything I can do to help, or if you'd just like to chat, never hesitate to email me! (nourishedfitness@gmail.com). Have a wonderful week!
Alyson, you are very mature for your 26 years. Good for you! One thing we can always be sure of is change… I read eat, pray, love 2 years ago, which was a pretty tough time for me, and I could completely relate. Seeing the movie – I went by myself (and snuck protein ice cream in to the theatre
), made me laugh and cry and relive lots of emotions!
Don't worry about letting anyone down but yourself. If you are happy, that's all that matters! You have achieved so much already and you do so much for others. I'm so glad you had a wonderful birthday. I plan to do something similar for mine in November!!
Happy Birthday! I'm all for tapping into your inner wisdom and following your heart…you're right, we don't always need a reason or need to know the reason but our intuition never leads us astray so being able to listen to it and trust it is a huge deal:) One lesson i have learned is that my body is incredibly smart and it functions optimally when i listen to it and go with the flow rather than trying to manipulate and control it….another thing i've learned is that every year just keeps getting better, im almost 29 and am so happy about approaching my 30's…it's all a state of mind:)
Twitter: NourishedFit
says:
So true.. young at heart & mind!
wow what a great post…i love reading your blog beacuse you are always so up front, honest and YOU. I wish we lived closer, I feel like we would be great friends
It is so admirable to come to say the things you expressed about you rbody and competing etc.
competing for me is just what you said. Something to check off of your bucket list. I want to do it SO bad, and have a huge desire to just get that pysique and show it off. BUT with that said, this is probably going to be a one time thing. I already find the diet very restrictive, and I know it will only get worse as I get closer, which could make me into one cranky gal. I want to do this and I know I can, and I will look back and be so happy that i accomplished it
HAPPY BIRTHDAY! you deserve all the best
Twitter: NourishedFit
says:
Thanks Naomi! We'll be great friends no matter
, and some day, hopefully much sooner than later, I'll get my butt out to Boston! I read your posts but I want to hear more about Sunday session.. I'll gchat you tomorrow! 
Wow, u really hit home for me. I'm in recovery from anorexia and am now into lifting weights and being healthy instead of the skinny girl. I want to be the fit, toned, muscular girl and I seriously have always wanted to do a competition and felt like a failure when I decided against it. I realized for my recovery the card cutting twds the end may trigger bad behaviors back into action. I'm 5"4" and a half and i weigh 105 and I'm seriously thinking I need to gain a few pounds to fill out my muscles some more. I no longer want to compete I just want to be fit and healthy. You go girl.
I didnt write this earlier cause I didnt have time, but I wanted to say your not letting me down, your letting me up, if that makes sense. I'm even more inspired by you now cause I think your humility and true self really came out, and thats more strong and beautiful than any competition. And as you know in Yoga, there should never be competition of the physical body. Not that I have anything against fitness competitions, but if its not for you, dont force it. I'm so happy you liked my gift and I want you to know how much my respect has gone up for you since reading this.
Twitter: NourishedFit
says:
Oh thank you so much Eden.. for everything! I am really looking forward to incorporating more yoga into my workouts as I try to lean down (muscle-size wise I mean). Yoga has been such an amazing addition to my life this year and has really had an impact in teaching me to listen to my body and working on the mind-body connection.
Alyson, I loved this post.. all the learning about yourself & figuring out what is important to you right now! LOVE IT! I remember the being dizzy & all & it was not fun. Like you, I am or was an easy gainer.. still am but age has slowed that a tiny bit.
Keep being true to yourself!
PS: Try being 52 almost 53!!!
Twitter: NourishedFit
says:
Jody you are so inspiring. I know I don't comment a lot on your blog but I read them, and am often left speechless and am always amazed. Thank you so much for your support!
All I want to tell you is……you ARE wonderful!!!! Oh, and happy birthday
Twitter: NourishedFit
says:
Thanks Nickie! Did you get my email? I have some great materials for you. If you're too busy to chat I can email them your way.
i am SO happy for you!!! seriously you have to do what makes you happy and you sound like you're so at peace with yourself right now which is amazing
eden is SUCH a sweetheart!!!!! yay for peanut flour! i just finished my second bag in like 3 weeks haha and i know you'll have so much fun with it!
Twitter: NourishedFit
says:
Thanks! And she really is.. I need to go look through your posts to get ideas for the Peanut Flour!
hee hee, i am arent I
Much to my own surprise I'm an easy gainer as well. I weigh 15 lbs over my competition weight in March, yet I don't think my body fat has gone up significantly. I'll have to get a BF% test done soon. I'm focusing on a competition mid-November, but if I don't feel up to it at some point along my current cut, I won't get bent out of shape over it. Its my choice to make and I'm not going to disappoint anyone including myself, so I totally respect your decision to not compete now, you HAVE to be in the right space for it mentally and if you're not, no big deal. Competitors put a lot of unecessary pressure on themselves to not let others down and really its only about one thing, your own health and happiness. Happy Birthday fellow Leo (mine is the 19th)! Looks like you had a wonderful time!
I loved this post! I would call it Alyson Coming Into Her Own! Happy Bday again and I am so proud of you!!!
Have a fantastic week!
Barbara
Very awesome! Good for you for making a hard choice!